So, today is one of those NO days. As I continue on this path to ordained ministry, I will have days where I feel confident in my future. Some days I will feel like a fool for even considering ordained ministry. Today is one of those days. First is my ever present battle of just how much time do I spend in the church building? I currently work there, my office hours are m-f, not weekends. Trust me, I know that there are positions within the church where being in the building is required on Sundays, but my current office position is not one of them. I currently am in the building on weekends to attend worship. To praise God and reconnect with brothers and sisters in Christ.
Another incident today has me questioning my faith to ordained ministry. I visited dad, and it touched my heart. The visit started out as normal, I warmed up a frozen meal for dad while he watched a movie on TCM. I tidied up and gave him his lunch. I sat and watched a bit of the movie with him while we made small talk (which is normal). The movie we watched was “Yours, Mine and Ours” with Lucille Ball & Henry Fonda. Dad said, “This is such a cute movie.” and when I looked at him, his eyes were red. When I glanced at him a couple minutes later, tears were running down his cheeks. Keep in mind, this is the second time in my life I have seen my dad cry. Dad doesn’t talk about tears, feelings and such things, so I didn’t make conversation on it, but it is definately something I have stored in my heart. I don’t know what the future holds for dad. I don’t know how the Alzheimers will affect his body and mind. I don’t know how long I have with dad, so I am enjoying the time I do have with him so that I can not look back and regret time spent with him. Sometimes I regret the fact that I didn’t spend as much time with mom while she was sick, yet am comforted in the fact that she and I spent time together while she was alive, and I will never forget the fantastic trip we had to Hawaii, nor will I forget her confidence in me while I attended college and her confidence in my decision to become a pastor.
So, as time goes on, as changes occur at work, at home and in life all the way around, this blog may not be so obvious a blog about my journey to become a minister as it may simply seem to be a blog depicting the drivel of my life. Yet this daily drivel is what makes me, and what will help me decide whether or not ordained ministry is in my future.